Relaxing is a communication skill
A couple of years ago, I made a fascinating discovery in a place where I least expected it.
I was in my early twenties, and hopelessly in love with Maya. Maya was a single mom living in the same street as me. One day, my door rang. It was Maya. “Hey”, she said. “I am going out tonight and I need somebody to look after Melvin.” Melvin was her 5-year-old son. She asked me if I could help.
“Sure”, I said. We agreed that I would come around at 8 pm. Great, I thought when I closed the door. I had just been promoted. I was a Babysitter.
I came to her place in the evening. She was prepared to go out and looked stunning. I would have liked nothing more than to come along with her. But I had a job to do!
“I put Melvin’s food in the fridge”, she said and showed me around. “He can drink the juice in the carafe on the table. I made a little list. Here you can see when he is supposed to go to bed. Usually, you can just let him do his things. That’s probably the best. He has his own mind.”
I nodded trying to focus on what she was saying. Friday, carafe, bed. It couldn’t be too hard.
Maya left.
Then I went to check on Melvin.
“Hi, Leo”, he said.
“Hey”, I said.
He was in his room playing with a bunch of toy figures. They looked old. Very old, in fact. “Hey, I know this one”, I said. Indeed, I did. “That’s Launchpad McQuack, isn’t it?”, I said.
Melvin nodded, looked at me with his blue eyes. He had long hair hanging in his face. Then he kept on playing without saying a word.
I shrugged, went downstairs, and watched TV. A couple of minutes passed. Then I had an idea. Why not have a look around? My body started tingling. I stood up. First, I went into the kitchen. Then to the bathroom. Not so special, so far. But there was another door. It was closed.
I opened it and my heart skipped a beat. It was Maya’s bedroom. I hesitated for a moment, but my curiosity was too strong. I went inside. I felt like stepping on dangerous territory. The bedroom was surprisingly plain. I could not tell what I had imagined in my smitten twenty-year-old brain: Pink plush pillows, a heart-shaped mattress, and red disco lighting? Maybe. But there was simply a bed, a wardrobe, and a few clothes.
“Hey you”, I heard a voice from behind.
“Ahh”, I shouted and jumped around.
It was Melvin. “What are you doing here?”, he said.
“I just …”
“Are you going through my Mama’s stuff?”
“ No…I…”
“Did you steal anything?”
“No, for Christ’s sake! I just wanted to make sure I know this place.”
Melvin turned around and ran away.
When things get out of control, noticing it might be a good first step.
The rest of the evening was a mess.
At first, Melvin didn’t want to eat his food. “But that’s what your mom prepared for you?”, I said.
Melvin didn’t care.
I went to the fridge and tried to find something else. We settled for yogurt with sugar. I came back to the kitchen table and stepped in something wet.
“What’s that?”, I asked.
“My juice”, he said.
Then I saw the carafe. Melvin had knocked it over. The juice flowed all over the table and onto the floor. I had stepped into it. My socks were soaked. But the round carafe was still in motion rolling over the table. I tried to grab it, but it was too late. It ran over the edge of the table and there was a loud crash.
Melvin jumped from his chair.
“Wait”, I said. “Watch out for the broken … Ahhh.” Pain shot through my foot. I had stepped into a shard of glass myself.
Melvin hopped out of the kitchen without stepping once in the juice or on the glass. I limped over to the sink looking for a towel. My foot hurt. The juice was spreading over the floor. It took me forever to get the mess under control. I sat down on a chair. The shard had been big and had left a big bleeding hole. I looked around and found a package of band-aids in a drawer. I bandaged my foot.
“Huhuuu”, I heard him shouting from the living room. That didn’t sound good. I went into the living room and saw that he had climbed on a huge cupboard. It was really high. Melvin waved at me. He had Launchpad McQuack in his hand.
“How did you get up there? Please, come down”, I said.
“You come down! Relax!”, he shouted.
Melvin laughed, raised his hands, stood up. And lost balance. They fell. McQuack landed first, with a popping sound. Then came Melvin. With a loud thud, he hit the parcel floor of the living room butt first.
“Melvin”, I said. I ran to him. But he pushed me away. He was crying. “No!”, he said. “This was your fault.”
“But you climbed up there, didn’t you?”.
“You had to watch me. I will tell Mom.”
Before I could say something, Melvin had grabbed McQuack and was already out of the door. I followed him to his room. “Listen”, I said. “Maybe you want …”
“I don’t want anything!” he shouted. “I want you to leave!”
“But I am your Babysitter.”
He looked at me. “Call Mom!”
“Wait!”
“Call Mom! Now!”
I looked at him. I was so angry. I was desperate. For a second I couldn’t say anything.
One simple decision is enough.
Then I turned around. And went to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, turned on the faucet, and put water on my face. It was cold. I stood there for a moment. My head hung down and I was feeling the pain in my foot and my heart beating.
Then I looked in the mirror. I thought that’s not me. The face in the mirror belonged to a stressed-out stranger. I stood there for a couple of minutes.
When I came out of the bathroom, I had made a decision.
I went back to Melvin. “Hey Boss”, I said.
He looked at me.
“You are right. Let’s call Mom! She should know that you fell down. Maybe you broke something.” I didn’t really believe that, but I wasn’t being sarcastic either. I honestly wanted Maya to know it.
I reached for the phone. But before I could get it, Melvin took it himself.
“Oh, right!”, I said. “So you call her!”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to call her anymore.” He put the phone aside. Then he moved closer and put his arms around me. We sat there quietly for a few moments.
I saw the vintage yellowed toy figures on the floor. Launchpad McQuack in the middle. “Do you want to play with that?”, I asked.
He nodded. “But there are rules?”
“Rules? You mean on how to play with them?”
“Yes.”
“Can you teach me?”
“I am afraid I have to”, he said precociously.
This kid was unbelievable. But for some strange reason, I liked him.
Once a decision is made, more noticing will probably come.
Melvin’s rules were actually quite complex. It was fascinating, like his own version of chess. I wouldn’t have noticed it from my role as a Babysitter. Now, I felt more like a peer.
We played for almost an hour. Then I saw his eyes getting smaller.
“You are tired”, I said.
He nodded. “I want to go to sleep.”
“One last round, ok?” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “Ok. But only one.”
We played on. Then I took him to bed. Fifteen minutes later, I was asleep.
Relaxing is a communication skill. But not in the classical sense.
I sat in the living room and wondered what had been going on in the little boy’s head. What exactly had been the reason for him to change his attitude towards me? I wouldn’t find out, I knew. But that wasn’t the point. What I knew was, what I had done differently to trigger that change. That was what mattered. I had decided to give in, to relax.
I had stopped caring about my role or my “reputation”, in this case, what Maya might think of me. I had felt the difference instantly. Stopping to push or imposing my ideas about the evening, made all the difference with Melvin.
I didn’t know it back then, but I had come around with a fundamental principle of human interaction. We may hear about the power of letting go in mindfulness training, yoga classes, or maybe when we practice arts. But relaxing is equally true for social interaction. Relaxing is a communication skill.
It may not be the most popular one. Because it is not a skill that will “get you what you want” from another person. But it will significantly improve your relationship. And if that is something you care about, it is worth trying it out. Melvin wasn’t an exception. Humans often want to have a relaxed counterpart because relaxation means openness, empathy, and understanding. Children are usually great teachers in this regard because, like Melvin, they let us know instantly when we are on the wrong track. But the principle applies to adults as well.
Once you learn that, you will encounter it more often.
Maya came back at around 3 am. She was a bit drunk. And, she wasn’t alone. There was a guy with her. He was very handsome, with a distinctive chin.
I knew this was supposed to feel terrible! But for some reason, it didn’t.
I greeted them in the doorway. Maya asked the guy to wait in the living room. We spoke a few minutes about Melvin. I told her everything. About the kitchen and even Melvin’s flight from the cupboard. I even mentioned my visit to her bedroom. She didn’t seem to mind. “Melvin is a crash-prone pilot”, she said. I assured her that we had a fantastic evening afterward. And I concealed my foot. She looked relieved.
For the first time, I noticed that Maya had green eyes. Why hadn’t I seen it before? I wondered. But I instantly knew the reason: Before, I had never held eye contact. Now I did.
I wished her good night and left. At the garden gate, I turned around.
She was still in the doorway watching me or lost in thoughts.
”Tell your crash-prone pilot, that next time Launchpad McQuack won’t stand a chance against me ”, I said.
She smiled, waved, and closed the door. I went home. And I felt great.